Freakin' out here!

Yes... I do freak out often, but ... who doesen't? Anyway, I don't need excuses, I'm not one page you read, I'm all the pages of my life.The point is I laugh a lot more than I complain. I just like the way I sweared here :D

23.nov.2009 I’m kinda’ freakin’ out here, on this lousy couch for two-three weeks now. Caught between spinning feelings until I drop down laughing or cryin’, feeling actually nothing right now… just this fuckin’ body that rarely satisfies my idea of it and then… whatever there is out there, in the real world, passing me by, laugh or cry, sunny or cloudy, friends and unfriends just avoiding me plenty. Actually, everything is how I want it to be or better said the way I made it. Lost contacts this last year more than I ever would have thought I would… but it’s not enough. “It” wants more from me, tearing and pulling away all that I have and I’m so lost on this fuckin’ road that I’m stuck, really frozen here at this hundred thousand roads intersection that I’ve built. Keep loosing and recovering my soul and goals when I know somewhere deep inside, more reprimed than it ever was, that without someone to join me in this life travel I’m nothing. All this bitch ass life is fuckin’ unsure and I keep knocking in empty doors, all the same things repeating themselves on and on under different shapes confuse and empty me up to not knowing why I should cry or laugh. I so need a good advice from any wise man but from someone who can totally understand and not judge me… I just need a life lesson or something, and also I need to take things one step at a time… I just feel that if I don’t ensure the rest of my life right now I will be lost, and still so conscious that I’m absolutely powerless over the things that are to happen. The love of life is one love that kills and we’re all in love with this bitch. I want to make the best of what I was given and no one said it’s gonna’ be easy but no one said it’s gonna be this hard either, although I was expecting it to be … but not like this… I keep contradicting myself 4 times in a sentence and I’m so fuckin’ confused at this point that I don’t even know why I am swearing. It’s absolutely hard to be a grownup. And also I feel I’m lying to everyone with the thighs I do and what I’ve achieved because they admire me for something that just sounds better than it really is … and still I’m spinning in this circle where I sew my own web to be caught in it wherever I turn. I don’t want to end-up bad. I need a friend to tell all this, I need someone with greater belief than mine who can tell me it’s going to be all right, someone who cares for others than himself and the thing that gets more tears out of me is that I know this someone, whom I think I love with all my heart and who would be the best thing that happened to me except it didn’t… because he’s JUST a friend, likes to keep it like that and makes it clearer with any occasion … so also this often encountered unshared love fills my glass and my head is turning to each closed door and I have no idea how to go out, if I want to or … what am I going to reach if I open any of these hundred doors. Time passes and takes away my friends forming couples and babies and I am … still alive. I get so frightened of living sometimes… But I know I’ll make it, I am a fighter!